I’m not the head in the clouds fairy tale kinda woman…

and for some reason i really don’t think my boyfriend gets that. Here is a scenario with a question for ladies, and gentlemen, but most especially gentlemen. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. It was one of those kinds of relationships where you don’t think you are going to get serious with this person and vice versa, and before you know it, your both in love. Being in this relationship with him has caused me to be a total one man woman I’m talkin no dippin to brother’s houses on the side, no clubbin and flirtin, I am like, 100% devoted to this dude, and those of you all who knew and me best in my pimpin days, tying me down completely was a virtually impossible thing to do. So anyway, things have been going kind of fast for us. He was the first guy that I was officially pregnant with (and let me tell you that’s a big deal, cuz ain’t no everybody been able to say that with me) and he’s just all around the man I know I want to marry. Now he gets the hell on my nerves sometimes, and there are some things about us that don’t exactly balance out, but when you really love someone, those are things that can be worked through. Anyhoo, we have been talking about marriage and living together and things of that nature, but no moves have really been made, for one because again, any of ya’ll that know, know my younger brother and sister live with me, so they are a part of my daily life, two, I just really started getting things together independently again so I want to build that up before I marry someone. We would kind of gloss over and play around with proposals and I said that we should get married at the end of the year, which really I wasn’t serious about, he took me to try on a wedding dress, and we went looking at rings twice. And all the time I was getting the vibe that he was half-serious, half just trying it on for size to see what it felt like to be in that moment with me. After one of his mock proposals he would often call one of his friends and brag about how we are getting married and how “i proposed to him” something I also hoped he was randomly joking about. Here’s a little background on him: He just turned 32, a Leo, very into church, and has been married before and got divorced after three years. Now I counted that as one strike against him, but I got over it when it seemed that he wasn’t turned sour against the idea of marrying again. He has had a really typical male bachelor from Chicago past (although he is steeped in church) and has had one serious relationship before me where there was talk of marriage. Now he was really quick to jump into the romance part of the relationship and trying to put me on lock early on, he always talks about how I don’t like the sentimental and sincere things and blah, blah, blah. It’s not that I don’t like them, I’m just not a very mushy person outwardly, but I do appreciate sentimental things very much. To make this very long story shorter. We were talking one day about moving in together. At first I wasn’t big on the idea cuz it was like, well damn, can i get a proposal and a ring first? Cuz otherwise, what do I look like moving in your house with my sister and my brother has no where to go and he just finished high school? Anyway he posed an idea that my brother take over the lease and my sister and I move in. I didn’t think it was a bad idea. I told it to them and they said that would be cool. But my brother doesn’t have a job or a car and no income other than pending financial aid, so he won’t be able to make many moves in Merrillville without a car. We are working on that part. We were talking on the phone the other day about how now I’m going to get on birth control, because even though you can have your head in the clouds about all the nice things about having a baby, we know that we aren’t ready for it right now. He keeps changing his mind about it, but I am standing firm on my decision not to have one right now, if I’m not already preggers again. anyway, he says that you can have your head in the clouds about marriage too, which is true. But the way he said it insinuated that I had MY head in the clouds about marriage simply because I want the traditional process leading up to marriage. The one-knee proposal, the ring, perhaps the eventually living together a couple of months before we get married incubation period and the small and intimate wedding of close family and friends. I don’t see anything wrong with that, however he attacked me saying that basically my head was in the clouds about marriage and I want the fairy tale and what I see on TV, horse drawn carriages, and big white dresses and a proposal in a restaurant full of people and that after that is over, I won’t know what else to do.And all the pitfalls and disagreements and make me think…”what did I get myself into”. My original statement is, that I am not a head in the clouds kind of chick. In the 24 (going on 25) years of my life, I have had nothing BUT reality and realism to look forward to. There was adult problems and shit that I was up on at a very early age. Hardly anyone in my family is married happily, or married at all. It’s the norm to be a single mom and damn if we ain’t dysfunctional. I have run out of room to count the number of family funerals I have been to (including my own mother’s) and can only count on one hand the number or wedding ceremonies I have witnessed, or happy and perservering relationships. I am ALWAYS the first one to remind my brother or sister that nothing is impossible, but to dream is to set a goal and be realistic about obstacles so that you can be prepared for whatever comes your way. Even though I don’t really have too many positive examples of family in my life, I know some of what marriage means and anything else that I don’t know, I’m willing to learn with a teacher I trust. I am one of the people who don’t believe in divorce. When I get married, I want to make sure it’s right, and that I’m doing it for the right reasons beyond the pomp and circumstance. Beyond that instant feeling of love’s gratification, not just because I get to be the beautiful center of attention for one day, and get to say “this is my husband” and get to flash a ring. No, all of that is a bonus. It’s something to look forward to, to celebrate in this more than real life of mine. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting the “fairy tale” or the “tradition” of what the idea of a courtship and marriage should be. I don’t need a huge church with 400 people, or for him to propose to me in front of a hundred people at Chez Fancy Restaurant, or at a holiday function with family. But I do want a celebration. If I’m going to be with someone I love for the rest of my life who loves me too and wants to spend the rest of their life with me and we are honoring that before God and our family and friends and celebrating the big change that is about to happen, what’s wrong with doing it nicely. i’m not saying that’s the ONLY way to do it, there are tons of people who just do it when it feels right, no matter where they are, or who is around. That’s fine. But is something so wrong with wanting all of the traditional things? I don’t think I’m dillusional and just stuck on the makings of one day like this big theatre production, that once it goes off Broadway will no longer be thought of. After the wedding and reception, after the buzz dies down and the liquor wears off. You are bound to that person til death do you part. I am fully aware of that. I do not have my head in the clouds about what it will take. WORK. You never reaped the benefits of anything good, except an inheritance without WORK. He made me cry trying to explain to him that I deserve to at least have that because I want it, not because that’s all I base marriage around. Part of me thinks that because he has been married before and divorced (and he randomly and accidentally proposed to his first wife over the phone and she accepted, u see how that turned out anyway) and so I guess he figures, why make a fuss about it a second time. Well that’s not fair. I don’t want to say that I am willing to sacrifice our relationship over something as simple as an official romantic proposal and a celebration, but it’s the principal about making the person you love happy, and being happy that you made them happy.

If you stuck thru all of that to read this. I appreciate you because you are a true friend who could tell I was upset cuz I just wrote this novella. Thank you. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. What do you think about it?